Identifying Coercive Control: A Guide to Healthy Relationships

Understanding and Identifying Coercive Control

In any relationship, whether romantic, familial, or even platonic, it’s crucial to ensure that both parties feel safe, respected, and valued. Unfortunately, not all relationships are built on these principles. Some may involve patterns of coercive control, a form of abuse where one person systematically tries to dominate and manipulate the other.

Recognising the signs of coercive control is the first step towards reclaiming your autonomy and ensuring a healthier, happier future. What is Coercive Control? Coercive control is a strategic form of ongoing oppression and terrorism used to instil fear. It’s more than just an argument or a one-time fight; it’s a pattern of behaviour designed to make a person feel isolated, dependent, and unable to escape.

Unlike physical abuse, coercive control often involves psychological tactics that can be harder to identify.

Signs of Coercive Control

1. Isolation:

Does your partner or loved one isolate you from friends, family, or other support networks? They might do this by badmouthing those you care about, making it difficult for you to maintain those relationships.

2. Monitoring and Surveillance:

Are they constantly checking up on you? This could include frequent phone calls, texts, or demands to know where you are at all times. They might also monitor your social media or email accounts.

3. Financial Control:

Do they control your access to money? This might mean giving you an allowance, taking your earnings, or preventing you from working.

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting:

Do they make you doubt your perception of reality? Gaslighting involves denying or minimising things you know to be true, making you question your memory, judgment, and sanity. Insults disguised as jokes. Competing with you turns into a rivalry, which creates tension and erodes the foundation of trust and collaboration in the relationship.  Manipulating the kids against you to side with them.

5. Rules and Regulations:

Do they impose strict rules on what you can and cannot do? This can include dictating what you wear, eat, or who you can talk to.

6. Emotional Abuse:

Are you subjected to constant criticism, humiliation, or degrading comments? Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, eroding your self-esteem over time. This can involve punishment in not complying with their demands.  Withdrawing love, intimacy and affection.

7. Threats and Intimidation:

Do they use threats to control you? This could be threats of violence, self-harm, or harm to loved ones or threats to leave you.

The Impact of Coercive Control

The impact of coercive control can be devastating. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness and loss of self esteem and confidence. Victims often feel trapped and believe they have no options.

The long-term effects can damage a person’s ability to trust others and establish healthy relationships in the future. The constant state of living in fear, or in the fight or flight state, feeling like your walking on egg shells, to not upset the other person may also have severe consequences on your health.

Steps to Take If You Recognise These Signs 

1. Acknowledge the Problem: Recognising that you are experiencing coercive control is the first and often the hardest step.

2. Reach Out for Support: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re experiencing. This could be a friend, family member, or professional.

3. Educate Yourself: Learn more about coercive control and its signs. Understanding what you’re going through can empower you to recognise the signs and take action.

4. Create a Safety Plan: If you decide to leave the relationship, having a plan can help ensure your safety. This might include finding a safe place to stay and organising important documents and finances.

5. Seek Professional Help: Consider reaching out to organisations that specialise in domestic abuse or counsellors who can help. They can provide resources and support to help you navigate your situation.

Final Thoughts

No one deserves to be controlled or manipulated. Every individual has the right to feel safe, respected, appreciated and free in their relationships. If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, take steps to address it.

Remember, help is available, and there are people and resources ready to support you on your journey to reclaiming your life.

Feel free to share this post to raise awareness about coercive control and help others recognise the signs.

Together, we can create a world where everyone feels safe and valued in their relationships.